Our agency prepares a service plan for each family, and our service plan required us to read and review a lot of books. I wanted to record some of my thoughts about each book here on the blog to help other adoptive parents who are in the preparation stage.
My five favorite books are pictured in the image above, but all of the books we've read have been valuable in one way or another.
Considering Adoption
Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family: Real-Life Solutions to Common Challenges
suggested by our home study agency
I read this after our home study and after I had read some of the books on our service plan. While this book presents various real, hard issues with encouragement from God's Word on the side, it would be best to read while still considering adoption. If you are already past that point, I'd skip this one.
Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew
required for our service plan
This book is a great overview of the numerous issues surrounding older child adoption. It was honest and informative as well as quick and easy to read. It was a balanced book, giving the reader realistic scenarios while simultaneously providing hope for the journey. Must-read for those adopting older children.
Adopting Older Children
Our Own: Adopting and Parenting the Older Child by Trish Maskew
required for our service plan
Please see review above. If you missed this book while you were considering older child adoption, you should still go back and read it. It covers all the basics, and it is worth the read.
Parenting Your Adopted Older Child: How to Overcome the Unique Challenges and Raise a Happy and Healthy Child by Brenda McCreight
required for our service plan
This book reviewed much of the same information found in Our Own. It investigates various special needs and suggests solutions for problems parents and children might encounter. This book was worth reading, but the stories seemed contrived and without resolution, leaving the reader with a bit of a hopeless feeling.
Even though this wasn't my favorite book, chapters 15 and 17 were valuable–full of good parenting strategies for older adopted children.
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best
required for our service plan
Since we've raised two toddlers, some of the information in this book about child development wasn't new. However, it was a good read . . . I would even say a must-read for those who are adopting in the toddler range. Chapters 6-8 are essential, helping you learn how to understand and how to support a grieving toddler.
Attachment
The Connected Child: Bringing Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family by Karyn Purvis
recommended by a friend
I wish there was a way to get a copy of this book into the hands of every person considering adoption.
This book is a trio of things–informative, practical, and hope-filled. You will understand the whys behind the hard behaviors and the hows to forging an attached, connected relationship with your child. The book spurred us on to learn more of Purvis' philosophies and practices, so we borrowed a set of DVDs from a friend. Invaluable.
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents by Deborah D. Gray
required for our service plan
Please don't miss this book. It is stuffed full of easy to understand information about attachment. My favorite part is in the "Practical Tools for Today's Parents" section. Gray not only explains what each phase of attachment looks like, but she also informs the reader about what a child in each stage needs and how to get to the next phase. I plan to read this one again.
Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children by Daniel A. Hughes
recommended by our adoption/attachment therapist
This is on my need-to-read list. I will post a review once I've finished it.
General Adoption Issues
Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao
required for our service plan
This book was one of the first I read. It was a primer, of sorts, for me. While my eyes were opened to some of the hard issues in adoption, I never felt despair while reading this book.
Pavoa, an adoptee, uses multiple true-to-life stories and scenarios throughout her book to move the reader–intellectually and emotionally. We learned much about what our children will need to keep a connection to their first family and their birth country, and how to appropriately discuss these things with our children as they grow. We learned about what our children will need beyond those things, too, as Pavao constantly and consistently has the child's best interest in mind.
Our service plan also required us to provide this book to our extended family members. I think it is probably the best book to help them understand life from the child's experience as well as basic adoption issues.
Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
required for our service plan
The trick with this book is not to be overwhelmed. Twenty things! That's a lot to process, but you won't deal with all twenty issues at once; you may not even deal with all the issues.
What is important is awareness. The book is a tool to help you identify potential struggles and for providing strategies to help your child through the various issues.
As adoptive parents, we have to have our eyes wide. Prepare. And if our kids don't face all these issues, great. But we need to be ready.
Neglect and Trauma
Nurturing Adoptions: Creating Resilience After Neglect and Trauma by Deborah D. Gray
required for our service plan
This is another jewel from Deborah Gray. Understand the impact of abuse and neglect and get lots of practical ideas for fostering healing. Hope-filled.
Sibling Relationships
Brothers and Sisters in Adoption: Helping Children Navigate Relationships When New Kids Join the Family by Arleta M. James
required for our service plan
This book is really long. This book is really hard to read. It is filled with detailed sexual abuse scenarios, and it's my least favorite adoption book. I can't heartily recommend it because it is so negative and often leaves the reader feeling hopeless. Despite my doom-gloom review, we did glean the following from this book:
1. Our family needs to discuss and adjust our expectations. —super important and beneficial for every adoptive family
2. We need to educate our biological children about abuse, especially about sexual abuse.
3. We must to make time for our biological children no matter how much attention our adopted children need.
4. Our biological children need to be comfortable coming to us with concerns. We must not dismiss their feelings. Rather, we need to validate them.
5. Don't live in a fantasy world where you believe certain things could never happen in your home. Be aware.
Transracial Adoption
Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall
required for our service plan
I felt that many of the core issues in this book (white privilege, discussing racism with your children, racial identity, etc.) were covered thoroughly in our initial training with our agency. If you haven't considered those issues, you should read this book.
An entire section in this book dedicated to identity issues for various races. I read and re-read the section on Latino identity issues. It was helpful in understanding various pieces of Latino culture. This added to what we learned when we read Raising Nuestros Ninos (another book required for our service plan).
Transracial Parenting in Foster Care and Adoption: Strengthening Your Bicultural Family
This is a free article that has good, practical ways for meeting the cultural needs of your children; it also discusses ways to handle racism. Must-read for those who are just learning about transracial parenting.
Our children were 3 years home on sunday. We have read a lot of the books you list and they were good.
We love Dan Hughes, I think he really showed us that turning typical parenting on its head was a possibility and we do a lot of things for our children in a way that people who don’t understand think is indulgent. My kids are thriving on it, so not really so indulgent. Brian Post is great, he says everything is done from a place of fear or a place of love. When my children are struggling or acting up, sometimes it is fear. So we cuddle or help in some way. The Primal Wound, Understanding Adoption by Nancy Verrier was enlightening as well. A lot of these books are a bit depressing. For myself, I think that resolutions are often a long time coming but are worth the wait. Our compliant daughter isn’t so much all of a sudden, after 3 years. My son is able to express affection better, after all this time. It is a slower, bumpier ride but they are getting there.
I was a nanny before and I have to say I would not have done half the things I have as an adoptive parent but because my children are different they have different needs. I struggled with other people for a long time who weren’t accepting of what we do and now I don’t. I know we are doing right by our children and that is enough. People think we have amazing children but criticise how we are acheiving that. I think if you find things that work in those books for your family then go for it and let everyone else come to terms with it in their own way.
Yes, we have realized that we will not be able to parent in the same way we’ve parented thus far.
Karyn Purvis has been the biggest instrument in helping us come to that conclusion. We went to an Empowered to Connect conference last weekend, and I found her speaking easier to grasp than her writing. Obviously, though, I think the book is worth it’s weight in gold, but hearing her speak and watching videos of various scenarios with her input was amazing. We also came to the conclusion last weekend that we are going to have to get over what other people think of our parenting. I love her concept of 1,000 yeses to promote connection and trust. I also really believe that children from hard places aren’t exhibiting behaviors just for the fun of it, but that they are reacting to needs and beliefs . . . and that fear is a huge component.
It is so good to hear from another adoptive parent who is encouraging us to let everyone else’s opinion go. š Because we really will have to do that. Our oldest biological son struggles with sensory processing. We’ve had lots of criticism (mostly from people who hold to an authoritative view of parenting) about how we should handle his issues which often look like disrespect, but really are just a result of super-crazy-heightened senses. I know we will feel this 100x more with our adopted kids. I am praying that we will be able to do what is right and not what is expected.
There are three books I really hope to read before our kids come home, and the Dan Hughes one is at the top of the list! The other two are Parenting from the Inside Out and The Whole-Brain Child.
Thanks so much for your comment. Other adoptive parents have been super helpful to us!
What a great resource! Thanks for putting this together!